To be brutally honest, this exercise brought on emotions that I have let lie dormant for over three years. Thoughts of my deceased mother, her smile and kind words together with the familiar sounds of the ocean induced a feeling of sadness and nostalgia that I did not care to experience. As the tears flowed, I am not sure if I felt relief or awareness. I stopped for a moment to allow the feelings to subside and then continued. I think that this process takes practice because I had a very hard time letting go and finding that inner calm. J did not know what to do with the silence. I am not sure if I was probably fearful of the previous experience occurring, but I found it difficult to complete the exercise properly.
I have chosen interpersonal aspects as the focus of my growth and development because my “perceived” inability to relax, release and rejuvenate is reflected in my chronic bouts of insomnia and hyperactivity. I believe that I should practice yoga and meditation more often and be able to practice deeper meditation after some time.
The first couple of times I did the loving and kindness meditative exercises I had a flood from the past as well, painful and hurtful memories, things I had forgotten, or was suppressing... I wondered to if I even wanted to remember, and relive those feelings... I don't know why that happened, except for the fact that they were subconsciously still there, and I had just buried them... I didn't enjoy the dinosaur bones and emotions from the past that surfaced, but I cried it out-- like you did -- and the same feelings didn't avalanche again.. the next time I did the meditative practice a similar down pour happened again, but it was on a earlier time frame that was also traumatic and stressful, the third time, I advanced to an even earlier time table that was traumatic and stressful... after that I felt peaceful and could go through the exercises without disturbing anything because it was already unearthed and out there.. I feel older, wiser remembering it all, in some ways I wonder if I was happier forgetting it all... but I am hoping that it will help me with my health and healing... otherwise I will pray to forget it all again...
ReplyDelete